Building Community

Growing up, community was really important. Interestingly, the word itself isn’t so far from the word commune, and there were quite a few of those within a stone’s throw of our prairie house…that’s probably a different post though.

We shopped at the community store. Went to the community church. Attended the community school, which was K-9, so you had the same classmates for 10 years. I joined a choir. And then another one. And then an orchestra. Also a string quartet, student council, and a multitude of other organizations. By being a member of all these communities, I learned the invaluable lesson of learning how to get along, knowing I was going to see the same people day in and day out.

The community post office

When I graduated from high school, I became a serial mover – more as a matter of circumstance than as a matter of choice. As a result, sometimes it felt like I spent as much time building up communities around myself as fracturing them and starting over. Sometimes leaving was the same as burning a bridge. Sometimes the most powerful communities and relationships I built withstood time and space distances with ferocious strength.

I really began thinking about intentionally building community around myself, though, when we moved to Vienna. My husband works for Global Affairs Canada, and his first assignment was the ultra-hardship posting of Vienna. Okay, okay, super deluxe posting. Back in the day, they did try to take the family unit into account, and some kind soul noted that I, being a pianist, could benefit from this posting to Vienna as well. And they were thoroughly right.

Also back in the day, embassies around the world had a position for spouses called “Community Coordinator”. The idea behind it was that the CommCoor would help new incoming families adapt to their new city and country – telling them things like where to buy a bus pass, making sure to purchase an autoroute sticker for their car before leaving the city, and to always remember to weigh their produce and print out a label BEFORE going to the till to pay.

As the embassy didn’t see a need to hire a full-time pianist, this part-time position seemed like a good fit for me, and was especially intriguing when I learned that I was expected to organize cultural excursions as well! My best event? A Third Man walking tour and private screening for the ABCs – Australian, British and Canadian Embassies. Less successful? My invitation to join me in attending 25 operas for the month of February. I suppose it was the standing room tickets that may have put people off?

When it came to actually building community, though, I was pretty lost until I met my friend Anne. Anne was married to the RCMP liaison officer for the embassy, and moved to Vienna our second year there, so she was among my very first cohort in my role as CommCoor. Anne had moved all around Canada, including having had multiple postings in isolation up north with her small kids. Though Vienna was her first European posting, I watched in admiration as Anne swooped in with confidence and curiosity into her new environment.

Anne

Within a week of moving into their beautiful apartment complex, and before I could warn her otherwise, Anne had introduced herself to every single family in their building, bringing them cookies she had baked herself, along with her phone number, and instructing them to give her a call if they ever needed anything.

You guys, I don’t know how to express to you the novelty of this idea. This was something you just did NOT do in Vienna. People who’d lived in the same building for decades would politely greet each other in the elevator, and ride the rest of the way in silence. You didn’t make small talk with your neighbours, and you did not invite them over, let alone yourself over to their place until you were firmly on “du-ditzen” ground (the informal “you” level in German, which can take up to 10 years to unlock!)

To my utter amazement, her neighbours took her up on it: they actually called her when they needed something, like impromptu childcare or spare linens. And the people in that building who had been living side by side for years began to become friends with one another too, not just with Anne.

3 short years later, the families banded together to throw Anne and her husband a “Going Away” party when they left.

Since Vienna, I’ve had many opportunities to learn more about what building community can look like by following what Anne modeled to me – reaching out, offering something in service, and following through when someone asks you for your support. 

Also, over time, I returned to my understanding that, much like my experience in grade school, building community means finding that commonality with others in your community – like a mom and babies’ group, or a church group, or a music organization, or a local sports activity. I learned I didn’t necessarily need to like a person in order to become friends with them. I learned that if the common goal was strong enough amongst us, I’d be willing to invest time, money, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so that the group’s purpose could thrive.

Because of the lifestyle I lead with moving every few years, I’ve had to learn how to deliberately invest in a multitude of communities all around the globe since that first year in Vienna. It doesn’t come naturally for me to do so, but I know that it is essential for me in order that I can thrive in any new environment.

I personally believe that the definition of adaptability is being able to find a sense of belonging in any community and that this is the key to navigating change:

Once I feel I have a valuable contribution to make to a community, that is when I start to feel like I belong.

And

Once I start to feel like I belong, I feel like I’m home.

For the record, I don’t believe one needs to move 5000km away in order to find a community to connect with. Rather, it’s about taking the first, sometime uncomfortable, step wherever you are, to open the door to a new relationship.

Just a few weeks ago, this slide surfaced on Instagram: the quote was from a testimonial I’d given 3 years earlier about the musicians’ entrepreneur course I’d taken right when the pandemic hit:

For me, at the start of the pandemic, the resemblance between moving to a new culture and going into lockdown was uncanny. In that moment on March 13, 2020, I knew I needed to look at building community around myself and for those around me as an essential part of combatting the impending isolation we were all about to get thrust into. Taking that group course was just one of many ways I looked outward into my community to build connection and feel belonging. But what struck me most about seeing this slide on Instagram a few weeks ago was how I’d just been talking that day again about the importance of building community amongst musicians, even though it’s hard to do. That as musicians, we are always better and stronger when we are working from our core values towards a common goal.

I’m so glad I couldn’t get to Anne in time to dissuade her from becoming friends with her Austrian neighbours, otherwise, I wouldn’t have learned how to actively pursue belonging. But I also know that it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d cautioned her – she would have done it anyway. 

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